a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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