do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
