so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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