shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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