elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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