I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
