I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
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