so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize