dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
