I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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