Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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