i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
