Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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