the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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