so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
