there's paper in my vomit.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
