do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
