When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
