he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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