and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
