I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
