My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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