I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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