She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize