We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
