I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
