Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
