Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
