Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
