I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
