the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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