My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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