when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
