I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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