I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
