I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Randomize
