my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
