I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
