Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
