I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
