He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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