my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
