i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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