I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
