so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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