you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
