im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
