i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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