Screwed.edu
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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