Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
