You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize