I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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