I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
