Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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