You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize