this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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