When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize