I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
