Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
