and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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