Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
