Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
