Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
