My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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